Wednesday, November 09, 2005

See the Amazing Eater Scarf It All Down! Give Her a Meal! She'll Amaze You As She Eats Every! Last! Bite!

Boy, I just can't eat like I used to. Last night, I had about 8 pieces of pizza, and by the time I got home, I was clutching my stomach, ready to pass out. What happened to me? Back in the day, I could really pack it in without a care in the world. I think this development might be more distressing than gray hair or wrinkles.

Several of my friends have stories about my college eating habits and what a giant pig I was. Trish loves to tell the one about how we'd go to Little Caesar's at least once a week to take part in the Pizza! Pizza! deal. We'd each get a large pizza and an order of Crazy Bread. Trish would eat a few slices of the pizza, a couple pieces of Crazy Bread. Then she'd wrap it all up in foil, put it in the fridge and have it again for lunch the next day, and possibly even dinner. Me? Oh, hell no. I ate all of it, right there in one sitting. No leftovers, and definitely no sharing.

Jane likes to tell everyone about how, when we were roommates the first year after I had graduated, we'd order an extra-large Johnnie's Pizza (all pepperoni, half mushrooms and olives, half just olives) and follow it with pints of Ben & Jerry's. After scarfing down the pizza, Jane would barely be able to eat her ice cream, whereas I would finish off the entire pint. And then I'd take a nap right there on the floor, blissed-out from the foody goodness.

An old colleague and roommate of mine, Al, used to marvel at how much I could eat, too. One night at work, he bet me $10 that I couldn't eat a double decker cheeseburger, fries, a pint of black cherry ice cream and a banana. The guy would buy me dinner and pay me for finishing it? Please, that meal was appetizers. A sucker bet! But my coworkers all stood around and watched me stuff my face, and once the meal was gone, Patty asked incredulously, "That's ridiculous! Where do you put it?" The first and last time I've ever been asked that.

But after last night, I think it's time this sideshow attraction closed up shop.