Wednesday, November 02, 2005

And I'm Not Even PMSing. Seriously.

There's this store I frequent that sells stuff for baths and bodies, and you know, I just really hate them. For the most part, I don't take issue with their products. Some of it smells delicious, and I swear I smell like angel food cake right now. I just want to eat my arm right off, or at least lick it a little.

But what in the name of all that is holy is going on with the salespeople there? If you've been there, you have to know what I'm talking about. The minute you walk in the door, they're like rabid dogs attaching themselves to your ankles and they refuse to release until you buy something or at least acknowledge the lovely sale they're having and take a basket. It's because of this that I try to stay away from this place, only going when I know specifically what I want so as to get in and out of there as quickly as possible.

Saying, "Thanks, I'm just looking, but I'll let you know if I need help" doesn't work. I've pretended to be deaf a few times, too. Not quite a stretch for me, but it doesn't work, either. I've gone in pretending to be on my cell phone. They don't care.

I've tried to find other stores. There's one place I used to boycott (which also has "body" in the name) because they discontinued my favorite Fuzzy Peach bath gel 7 years ago. Yeah, I can really hold a grudge if I want to. I lifted the boycott this summer, but I don't know, the hurt is still there. I still weep uncontrollably when I smell something that reminds me of the Fuzzy Peach. Apparently, it's harder to forgive for something like that than I thought, and perhaps this place and I should just call it a day. I can't go getting all attached again to something, you know? What if they discontinue that? There are obvious trust issues.

Another store I've been to (whose name rhymes with Whoreigins) is just way too freaking expensive for the quality. Their bath gel smells great, but doesn't lather at all. The bubbles. I need lots of bubbles.

So, I feel like there really aren't any other options besides this place for the bath and the body. Yesterday, I did a little Christmas shopping and decided to go there to get some stuff for a few cousins and my step-niece. Before going in, I did a few meditation exercises, prepared myself to be hounded, counted to ten, exhaled and opened the door.

A quick scan revealed that it was kind of busy. Good. Less focus on me. But it wasn't long before I was the only person in the store.

One minute in: "Do you need any help?"
"No thanks! Just looking."
"OK. Let me know if you need anything."

I'm not unreasonable. A greeting is nice. ONE greeting. You get ONE.

Thirty seconds later, a different girl: "Do you need any help?"
"No, thank you. Just looking."

Argh. Do these people not communicate? Can they not hear each other chirping at the customers?

A minute later: "Hi! Can I help you with anything?"
Me, sounding aggravated and tense: "No."

I shopped in peace for three minutes, when the first girl came over. "How are things going? Are you finding everything all right?"
"Yes, thanks."
"Have you smelled this pink grapefruit gel?"
"I'm sorry, but I hate the smell of grapefruit." Not really true, but cut them off at the pass, right?

A few minutes later, a girl I hadn't seen before: "Here's a bag to carry your stuff!"
"No, thanks. I'm not really settled on this stuff yet."
"Er, OK."

Yet a few more minutes later, the second girl who greeted me gestured to what I was carrying and asked: "Can I put some of that on the counter for you?"
"No, thanks. I haven't decided if I'm going to get this stuff yet."

It's here that I should have continued...
"But the next clerk who bugs me with a bag or pink grapefruit bath gel or this stuff I just have to smell or a lovely holiday-scented candle that's new this season or this bogus 'spend $80, get this useless bag for an extra $25' is going to totally going to get disemboweled and have her insides replaced with scratchy little bath poufs."

I may have to use that next time.