Sunday, October 09, 2005

Baby Don't Got Back

I have no butt. If you view me from the side, there are no peaks and valleys in my backside. It's a nearly perfect straight line from my shoulder blades to my Achilles tendons. My thighs and behind are a single entity.

I'm now mostly at peace with it. Whatever. I still don't ever tuck in my shirts (this is also because I've got what's known as, how you say, hips that are very suitable for the child-bearing), but I recently stopped going to the gym with a sweatshirt around my waist, unless I happened to bring one to ward off the nip in the air outside. For me, this was a major thing, because I started working out regularly in 1992 and have not gone without a sweatshirt to hide my butt one single time since then. One day, after the 18,000th time I paused my workout to tighten the arms around my waist it occurred to me that this is just ridiculous. I'm wearing one of these things because, what, I think everyone's looking at my butt? Not likely. Especially not when I'm doing level 10 on the Arc Trainer. Laugh it up, I'll karate chop you when I'm done.

But just because I've accepted my plight doesn't mean I've given up trying to have a behind. I do endless squats, lunges, the glute press apparatus thingamajig torture device in the hopes that one day an ass might magically sprout up. I wear somewhat low-rise jeans and pants, beause I'm told these are more flattering for the asstastically challenged. But no one's ever hooted "Hey, nice ass!" when I wear a pair, so I can't be sure they're actually working in my favor. To be fair, no one's ever shouted "Hey, no ass!" at me, either.

The only thing that really, really bugs me about not having a butt is how saggy my pants are. There's just nothing to fill them. They look too big for me, when they're not. They're too big for my butt, yet they fit my waist just fine. If pants were sized like bras, I'd be a solid A-cup. Or perhaps even one of those unfortunate girls nicknamed "mosquito bites."

That's when it hit me: why don't clothing manufacturers come out with jeans and pants made for different sizes of behind? Why must I continually be punished and made to look like I'm wearing Depends for not having a backside like J.Lo.'s? And conversely, why must the J.Lo.s of the world be forced to go up a size or two to make room for their back?

I'm sure Banana Republic is all over this, but hey, I did my part.