Thursday, September 22, 2005

This Is Neither Here Nor There, Really

I discovered this a few months ago, and always meant to write a little post about it. But first I need to ask: what is the deal with Google that when you do a search and there are no hits for it, they have their little spelling suggestion, so you click on that and there's nothing for that, either?

It's like that episode of "Friends" when Monica was trying to get hints from Phoebe about something that happened, and Phoebe is making her try to guess what it is:

Monica: Does it involve travel?
Phoebe: No!
Monica: Does it involve clogs?
Phoebe: Oh, wait, wait! Clogs, or claws?
Monica: Clogs.
Phoebe: No.
Monica: Claws?!
Phoebe: No.


So, every so often, someone's name will pop into my head and I'll Google them to see what they're up to. Most of them, I have no interest in contacting. A few months ago, the name of one of my many tormenters came up: J. Kerkorian. I'm leaving his first name off, because I don't need him Googling himself and finding me.

J. used to call me...ready?..."Trees." 'Cause, you know, I was so lonely that my only friends were the trees. Oh, that guy.

One day in seventh grade I was walking home from school, by myself, naturally. J. rode by on his skateboard and yelled, "Treeeeees! Hee, heee! She talks to the trees! What are you talking about with the trees? Treeeees!"

He passed me by and got about a block away when his skateboard slipped out from under him and he landed on his ass. It's a good thing he didn't look back, because he surely would have killed me when he saw me doubled over with laughter.

I Googled the guy. What is the meanest jerk in seventh grade up to these days?

Why, he's a minister.