Sunday, September 18, 2005

I Really Find Nyquil Delicious, Though

I've long had a knack for using products in a manner inconsistent with their labeling, which I believe is a federal offense. But I'm not doing it on purpose, I swear. That will be my defense in front of the judge. I'm also good at not reading the instructions. You would think I'd have learned my lesson with that in 9th grade when Mr. Lose passed out an exam at the start of class one day. I immediately wrote my name and dove right in. I remember glancing over at one of my classmates mid-quiz, and she was sitting with her hands folded over the paper, staring straight ahead. "Ooooh," I thought. "She's gonna flunk."

But it turns out that at the top of the quiz was written, "This is a test to see if you can follow instructions. All you need to do is sign your name. Do not answer any of the questions." Flunky girl had aced it.

A few weeks later in the same grade, I woke up with a little congestion one morning. I rooted around my grandmother's cabinet for some medicine. "Hmmm...lessee here. Nyquil? Why not? It's the sniffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy head fever medicine, yes?" I poured myself a shot and went on my way.

Cut to Earth Science. I hadn't just nodded off. I was completely, utterly, drooling-on-the-desk, talking-in-my-sleep passed out. My deskmate grabbed my arm and woke me up.
"Wow, are you all right?" he asked.
"I don't know what's wrong with me. I woke up this morning with a little cold, but maybe I'm really sick. I thought the Nyquil would help."
He snickered. "Nyquil? No wonder."
Yes, Nyquil. The nighttime sniffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy head fever so you can rest medicine.

And then there was the time I stayed up for 60 hours straight in college, with a little help from way too many No-Doz.

In 1999, my first apartment in this town had hardwood floors, which are way more common in this area than in California. The initial prospect of having them excited me. But these floors, they get dusty and dirty so easily. You vacuum, you Swiffer, you do all you can and yet, five minutes after you've cleaned, there are the dustbunnies again. They're giant pretty wooden magnets for nothing but the things. Hardwood floors are so much work sometimes that I repeatedly said that I never wanted to live in another place with them again as long as I lived, because cleaning that tiny apartment knocked me out. And look at us now: We have an entire house of the floors, in addition to two dogs who will forever ensure that our floors will never again exist without a thin layer of hair. I must be a masochist.

Anyway, Pledge is good for dusting, right? Why, yes, yes, it is. It repels dust, it shines, it smells nice, what's not to love? I sprayed some on a section of floor, then Swiffered it to smooth and polish. As I crossed the floor to work on the next section, I slipped and fell. Yeah. Pledge makes shit slippery. Don't use it on your floors. Maybe it says somewhere on the bottle. I didn't look.

Who's got the bail money?