Monday, August 15, 2005

Possibly My Most Embarrassing Post Thus Far

I had an entirely different concept for this post that would have made it approximately 200% more entertaining than it will be now. I accidentally just typed the $ key instead of the %, and I hope none of you are paying $200 to read this site.

There's this letter I wrote to John Schneider when I was 7. As you'll read later, I asked him to come over to my house on some Saturday night in June, 1981. The letter was also full of declarations of love, a request for roses and, oh, Happy Flag Day! When I finished, I stupidly gave the letter to my mother to mail. Then I waited. I still remember that Saturday night. I didn't tell my parents that I had a request out to Bo Duke to stop by, and figured that if he did, it would pretty much be the most awesome surprise EVER and they wouldn't mind making room for my future husband at the dinner table. I had plans to take him around to all my friends, then over to my stepsister's house to rub it in a little. I hung out in the living room all night reading, getting up occasionally to look out the window to see if the General Lee had pulled up yet. I remember at one point peeking around the corner at my mom and stepdad watching TV in the family room and thinking, "Boy, are they in for the night of their lives."

This is probably going to come as a shock to you, but Bo Duke never showed up. Stood up! At 7 years old!

About 15 years later, mom confessed that she never sent the letter. "I was so confused about why he never showed up!" as if he would have, had he just gotten the letter. After I gave it to her, she read it, cracked up and filed it away for future torture purposes. I begged for it back that minute, but she refused. Thankfully, a few years ago, I got a letter in the mail from her and enclosed was my Bo Duke letter. I read it again, cringed and put it away. But now that the "Dukes of Hazzard" has been ubiquitous lately, I can't stop thinking about this damn letter.

First, I tried to scan it, but our scanner was being weird. Then I tried to take photos and photoshop them to make them readable, but hot pink pen on hot pink paper is a little hard to work around when you don't have the mad skillz. I gave the scanner another shot last night, but it took 15 minutes to scan one page before the computer crashed, so I gave up and went to bed. Had I been successful in getting a strong image, I was going to add funny little comments.

Thankfully, the letter is pretty funny on its own merits, so here's the text, which follows exactly as I wrote and spelled it. I can't believe there was ever a time when I wrote "your" instead of "you're" Pictures of the letter follow:

Dear Bo Duke,
I love you. Can you come over my house on Sat. night? You should be here at six o'clock. My phone number is 793-9439. I live in fremont. My address is 4508 Angeles. Calif. is my state. my area code is (415). My zip is 94536. I am 20 yrs. old. My sister, Kim is 20, too. My sister Amy is 20, too. My nam is -----. All my friends are:
They all like me. We all play together. I love you so much I can't stand it. My brothers don't like me. They get me in trouble. you look real handsome. I have a book collection. I love you so much. I like one of your songs called "Lady." That is the nicest song you ever sang. That was a Kenny Rogers song too. you sing just like him. I know you are a very nice man. I hope you can come over my house. We have to go to my sisters because she dosn't live with me. My mom's name is Cathy. She is nice. I have so much to say because I love you so much. "Dukes of hazzard" is my favorite show. because your in it. I wish i was in it.
I wish you would bring me some flowers. I just love roses. They smell good. I never had the chicken poks. all my freinds had them. I wish you were my husband. I hope you marry me. I am a tap and ballet teacher. I made twelve shows on stage.
Love, ---- and Kim
happy flag day!
A few notes:
  • I have no idea who all those girls names were that I listed except for two: Sally was a girl I totally hated that lived around the corner from me. Dorothy was from Kansas and wore ruby slippers. Other than that, I maybe had three friends. None of whom were 20.
  • Strawberry Shortcake paper just screams "grown adult woman" doesn't it?
  • Mom's name is Kathy, not Cathy.
  • "Lady" is a terrible song.
  • Why did I need my zip code?
  • Handsome? Handsome? Was I a 90-year-old woman?
  • The part about my brothers not liking me was true.
  • I have no sisters named Kim or Amy. However, there is one named Karen. Kim was one of my few friends. We used to dance to the Grease soundtrack in our babysitter's living room, and also dig holes in search of the Earth's core. We thought it was at most 20 feet down.
  • Note that I gave mom a high approval rating just before she took this and didn't mail it, which led to my heart being shattered until I discovered Ricky Schroeder.