Thursday, August 18, 2005

Cher Is Playing the Role of My Mother

One of several complexes I have is that I have a big head. Literally, a big head. Now, there is no need to comment and try to tell me I don't have a big head just to make me feel better, because when I look in the mirror, the big head is what I see and well-meaning comments can't convince me otherwise. You know the scene in So I Married an Axe Murderer, where the dad is talking about that boy's head?: "Would ya look at the size of that kid's head! It's the size of a planetoid and it has its own weather system! Looks like an orange on a toothpick!" Totally me, except not so much with the toothpick.

Unlike the rest of my complexes, I have no idea where this one came from. The others can be pegged to an offhand comment or something nasty said in the middle of an argument. When I was 9 and my sister was 7-ish, she looked over at me while we were playing and calmly stated, "You have a big nose." Whether that was true or not, I've hated my nose ever since. I'm convinced my feet are massive because you try finding cute shoes when you're 9 and have the feet of a fully grown adult.

My big head doesn't hold me back, really. I don't think about it all that much, or go around asking people if this outfit makes my head like huge, or cry myself to sleep at night on my specially-made pillow to support the weight of my head. I don't scream "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL! I AM A HUMAN BEING!" when people are laughing and I think it's all about my giant head. The only time I'm reminded of it is when the Mr. and I do something that involves protective headgear (such as riding the ATVs) and I need to borrow the Super Giant Head Ginormo size helmet, of which there is only one, kept way back at the bottom of a closet collecting dust, because who has a head this big? I do, kind sirs. I guess it could be worse...tiny heads are even crazier, in my opinion.

Anyway, I lost my sunglasses in Grand Cayman (whoa, how is that for a segue? Smooth, right?). I was too lazy to return to the boat when I realized they were on my head, so I just stuffed them down my bathing suit. They inched their way out and eventually floated away. It was just as well. I had had them for several years, and was surprised that they lasted that long anyway. When we got back to the ship, I bought a new pair in one of the shops and wore them for the rest of the trip without incident. But last week, the piece of garbage broke. The little arm just fell off and the lilliputian screw is gone forever.

So on Tuesday, I went out to get another pair, this time heading to Target. With my bad luck lately, I decided to get the cheapest pair on the planet, just in case. They will probably last forever now.

You've seen Nicole Richie in her massive sunglasses, right? She just looks ridiculous, considering that they appear to be half her total weight and they eat up her entire face. But then I thought, maybe I need some big sunglasses. Really, really giant ones. Perhaps those other glasses breaking/running away was the universe's way of telling me something: they were just too tiny for this noggin. People will look at me and instead of thinking, "What's with the giant head?" they will think, "What's with the giant sunglasses?" Then I will take them off and they'll say, "Oh, Jesus. I get it now! Put them back on, please!"

So, here I am with my new, giant sunglasses. You can barely tell I have a big head! It's all about emphasis in the right places, isn't it?


As an aside, I wanted to take this picture outside, but my neighbors insisted on hanging out in front of their houses and I didn't want to them think I'm some weirdo who just sits around admiring my reflection in the camera all afternoon.