Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Solving the World's Problems, One at a Time

Over dinner with the Mr. last night, I proposed the following solutions to the Movie Theater Talker Problem. I think it was the salsa verde that brought out the inspiration.

1) Screenings with Age Limits
At first, the Mr. got all Snarky McSnarkerson with me and said, "Yeah, they're called rated R movies." But I elaborated: how about for any movie rated PG and higher, theaters have at least one or two minimum-age screenings a week? Say, 25 and over. After hearing me out, the Mr. dubbed my idea "brilliant." Aw.

Not that I haven't been trapped in a theater with a person well older than me who wouldn't shut the hell up. The movie was Castaway, and my brother's girlfriend and I had the misfortune of sitting right next to this old man who kept a running commentary on every little thing that happened. "Oh! What's this? It's a watch! Wow. What is he going to do with that?...A volleyball. Now. That's interesting. ... Why doesn't he open that package? I wonder what could be in it?" Despite repeated pleas from both us and his son, the man refused to keep quiet. We couldn't move because it was a packed theater on a Friday night. I guess we could have just left, since the movie was fairly stupid anyway. I mean, I love how right after he's rescued, the next scene with him is on a plane. And not only that, but he's perfectly OK with it. But the sushi in the hotel room, that he has trouble with.

Anyhow, my point is, minimum age screenings aren't going to take away the Castaway Color Commentators, but I'm willing to bet 4 out of 5 theatergoers will agree that 99% of theater talkers are under the arbitrarily chosen age of 25. And that 5th theatergoer who doesn't go along with the program is probably somehow related to the 5th Dentist who is anti-Trident, and we all know he can't be trusted.

2) The Rat Out Your Neighbor System
The idea here is simple and fun for all: reward theater patrons for ratting each other out with free movie tickets. To cut down on friends "ratting out" friends, my plan is that there must be a minimum of two verifiable complaints against a customer to earn a free movie pass.

The Mr. and I think that as entertaining as this has the potential to be, there are still some holes that leave it vulnerable to major abuse. So, for now, it's probably not going to work. I mean, feel free to rat out your neighbor. Just don't expect any tickets.