Wednesday, May 04, 2005

The Brain Damage Is All In Your Head

For real. I tried a couple top ten lists, but my brain is fried. Could this be the culprit? If so, boy, am I screwed.

So, I've seen a few entries around lately where people are talking about old college roommates, and last night I saw a story about some dude who murdered his roommate, then hiked her body up north and set her on fire. Allegedly.

I have to say, I've been fairly lucky in the roommate department, especially if whether I wanted to murder them is the standard by which all roommate situations are judged.

The highlights, or lowlights:

The Twins, Sophomore Year
I don't remember their names now. Stacy and something. They were fraternal twins in their senior year, and made up one-half of our apartment population. The most annoying thing about them is that they chose their senior year as the year they would finally cut the apron strings and try living away from home, and they weren't adjusting too well.

As much as I was a kid in a candy store my first year away from home, they were still completely attached. Their mother would call daily, visit once or twice a week, every weekend was spent at home, they were never apart. And if the twin whose name I can't remember had to be away for a night, Stacy would have her boyfriend (who lived upstairs) spend the night. Yes, that was a riot. I've never seen two people before or since so pathologically needy. Oh, and Stacy demanded quiet time every afternoon, always at times convenient for her and no one else. Also, she needed the TV at a set time each day so she could do her step aerobics.

The Bulimic, Sophomore Year
She was actually a lot of fun, except for when she was complaining that her hip bones didn't stick out enough. She also reminded me often that the size 8 clothes in her closet were from when she gained a "ton of weight" after her father died.

Sumie and Katie, Sophomore Year
Sumie and Katie were the biggest slobs I've ever seen in my life, male or female. When I stopped by over winter break to drop some things off, I had to lean on the door to open it, because they had piled up so much stuff in front of it, and everywhere else in the apartment. Clothes, CDs and dirty dishes covered every available surface.

The amazing part was, they hadn't even been there more than a few weeks. Yet there were 2 semesters' worth of garbage piled up. They had also seen fit to make use of a lot of my things, since hey, I wasn't using them. When most normal people do that, they clean said things and put them back to hide the evidence. Sumie and Katie were absolutely not normal.

Trish, Junior Year
Trish actually still has the letter telling her that we were going to be roommates. We didn't talk on the phone beforehand, but one day before the semester started I swung by, and she was sitting on her bed reading. I knew I had found a friend for life when she suggested we go to the A&W and steal some mugs. It was only the beginning.

Christie, Junior Year
Christie knew everything. There was nothing on which she wouldn't happily share her knowledge! Sometimes when you were cooking, she'd just walk up and take the spoon away from you and tell you how it really should be done. Just like Julia Child, that whacky girl. Funny that she didn't know how ridiculous her blond, curly afro looked, or how not to behave like a know-it-all jerk.

A few days after moving in, she called a roommate meeting. I know, don't you just want to throw up? She wanted to hammer out a schedule for chores, and a schedule for this and a schedule for that, and who gets what spots in the refrigerator. Suddenly, I wasn't looking so anal anymore.

The last order of business was the voicemail password. She wondered why it was set up to be my birthday. I said that I just happened to be the one to set it up, and those were the numbers that just popped into my head, because it's all about me, baby.
"Huh! Well. I have an idea," she said. "Why don't we change the password to GOALS. Because, like, we're in college, and we all have goals."
Trish said, "I don't have any goals."