Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Ten Diets I've Attempted With Varying Success

1) Starve Yourself for As Long as You Can Diet
When: Freshman year of high school
How I Did: Lasted about a day, lost nothing
Commentary: Really, not a good idea. I almost passed out in P.E.

2) South Beach Diet
When: Last year, before the wedding
How I Did: OK. Lost about 5 lbs, but I think it had more to do with the fact that I don't really have all that much to lose. The weight loss wasn't as dramatic or quick as it had been with some of my friends.
Commentary: Actually, a surprisingly decent diet once you get past the first two weeks. You can't really quibble with anyone who suggests cutting back on sugar and processed food.

3) Atkins Diet
When: 2003
How I Did: Lost about 7 lbs the first week, got sick in the second and gave up
Commentary: Seriously, what a stupid ass diet. It's fun for about 3 days, and then one day you wake up and remember you're having eggs for breakfast, and there will never be anything but eggs for breakfast again, and when you die, they will find you buried in a mountain of eggshells, and they will do an autopsy and find that you were made of nothing but eggs and that's why you died, and you will literally have to stop yourself from barfing.

4) TOPS (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly)
When: Freshman year of college
How I Did: Lost about 25 lbs, and have managed to keep the better part of it off since
Commentary: The only diet plan I followed where the word "sensibly" actually meant something. I did this with my dad and stepmom, and while I had fun, I think it's more of a social group for older women and not a regimented weight loss program.

5) Slim-Fast
When: 1989-1990
How I Did: Lost about 10 lbs
Commentary: Those chocolate shakes were hella yummy, especially when you add fruit and ice cream to them. No surprise that it failed.

6) The Eat Sensibly, Except for One Spoonful of Peanut Butter Every Day Diet
When: 1984
How I Did: Please
Commentary: My best friend at the time, Andrea, and I concocted this ridiculous diet. Day one was fine, but by day two, our spoonfuls of peanut butter were more like softball-sized scoops.

7) Weight Watchers
When: 1982, 1984 and pretty much ever since 1998
How I Did: I'm up and down
Commentary: WW is pretty much the only plan I can consistently follow. TomTomClub and I used to joke that if you wanted, you could have 12 margaritas and a peanut as your menu for the day. What is bad about that kind of diet, I ask?

8) The Ramen Diet
When: College
How I Did: Didn't gain the Freshman Fifteen, but probably was a little bloated considering it was just noodles soaked in salt
Commentary: Wasn't by choice. Food 4 Less sold this stuff by the case for like, $2. You just cannot say no to that.

9) Eat Great and Healthy All Day, Celebrate By Having a Pint of Ben & Jerry's When You Get Home Diet
When: College, post-college
How I Did: Hahahaha
Commentary: Dude, if this worked, I totally would be a millionaire.

10) The Zone Diet
When: 2002
How I Did: Not well at all
Commentary: The menu plan would be impossible for a math whiz to figure out, with the 1/3 this, 1/3 that and the sigma sign and the bell curve and percentages and infinity. Break out the fancy graph calculator! It made my head hurt. No wonder celebs just have the meals delivered so they can save the brain power for memorizing lines.