Friday, April 08, 2005

Ahhhhhhh....Everywhere You Look, There's A Hand to Hold Onto

Before comments up and got deleted in the Haloscan switch, Alyssa had snerked in one about about my love for "Charles in Charge" when I was 11. I was like, puh-leeze. That's nothing. I have always had a spot in my heart for terrible TV. I don't mean terrible as in "Shasta McNasty." I mean terrible as in obvious jokes, sappy music in the last 3 minutes when someone learns a valuable lesson, convenient plot devices and horrible acting/mugging for the studio audience by toddlers.

You can rest assured that if I say a TV show is terrible, it really is absolutely horrible and should be avoided at all costs. But if I say it's great, you probably shouldn't take my word for it.

Let's hop in the Terrible TV Time Machine, back to a time where theme songs were both catchy and painful to listen to.

The Brady Bunch started it all. Come on, when Peter's voice is changing and they have to sing "When It's Time to Change"? Gold. You know you can't not dance when the Brady Kids bust into song and their "sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Sha-NANANANA!" The astroturf lawn, it never needed mowing! "Something suddenly came up" became an acceptable and plausible way to blow off a date, especially if they're sporting a giant schnozz. I remember scaring Trish when we were roommates in college by dutifully setting my alarm each morning for 9 a.m., just so I could watch the Brady Bunch before heading off to class. Some people start with Raisin Bran, I started with the Brady kids.

Diff'rent Strokes. Ah, those crazy Drummond kids. Remember the episode where Kimberly ate the entire sheet of cake and Arnold's panicked look as he hid and watched her? Or the episode with the bank holdup, featuring a tour de force by Tootie from Facts of Life?

Speaking of Facts of Life, who didn't want to own everything in that tacky little store they opened later in the series? That giant inflatable palm tree was the greatest thing ever. Actually, I have to hand it to this show for teaching me about the darker issues in life: suicide, homeless teens and that rich girls need love too.

Silver Spoons. The only show I actually aspired to be on. When I heard they were casting a girlfriend for Ricky Schroeder, I sent numerous letters to him, begging for the part, seeing as how I was actually in love with him and therefore would be believable, and swearing I was totally adorable. Which was a complete lie, but I figured once they just got me down to LA, there would be no turning back.

Rocky Road. I don't remember much about this show, except for the theme song and that it aired on TBS. I probably just liked it because it reminded me of ice cream.

Punky Brewster. Aw, how cute was little Punky? It makes me feel so old to know that she's now with child. Ack. Also, I'm surprised George Gaines is still alive, seeing that I thought he was about 100 years old when the show was on. My enduring memory from this show is the "Just Say No" one, where the Chicklets try to push dope on Cherie and Punky and they are shut down.

Family Matters. Yes, I watched this on ABC's TGIF nights. Willingly. You just shut up.

Full House. This used to be my dirty little secret. I would watch the reruns at home, alone. I don't know why. It's like when that meth user on Intervention last week said doing meth wasn't even fun anymore, she just needed to do it to function. A few years ago, I stopped hiding it. When TomTomClub and I were roommates, I believe she caught me a few times. The Mr. catches me regularly and always asks, "Why are you watching this crap?" The answer: I DON'T KNOW.