Thursday, March 10, 2005

An Open Letter

Dear Sideways,

You were such a good movie. So fast-moving and witty and funny. I enjoyed our time together. Like, when you had those guys chased off the golf course? That was a riot. And don't even get me started on the guy with his you-know-what hanging out, running around in broad daylight without a care in the world. Or when Thomas Hayden-Church did his voiceover where he listed the side effects and punctuated it with, "You're dead, asshole!" So great.

But I have a bone to pick with you. Thanks to you and your wine snobbery, I'm all self-conscious now. I like merlot, dammit. Whenever we went out to eat and I felt like having wine, I would order merlot without a care. I didn't know there was anything wrong with it until you came out and implied that everything was wrong with it. It's too common. Everyone likes it. It's wine for rubes.

I'll have you know, I was perfectly happy being a rube. I'm not happy feeling self-conscious, though, which is what I do when so much as thinking about ordering merlot now. The waiter has probably seen you, or at least heard about you, and if I order it, he'll look down his nose at me and chuckle, "She must not have seen Sideways. Loser!" And then he may very well spit in my wine.

Then I decided that's fine. I should probably branch out a little more, anyway. Pinot noir sounds good.

Yeeeetttt...I can't order that, either, because now I look like a poseur who's only ordering it because of you. Which is true, more or less, I admit it. But I don't want everyone to know that. So if I order pinot noir now, the waiter will chuckle and think, "She must have seen Sideways. Loser! And poseur!" And, of course, that will be followed by spit in the wine.

You're thinking I just can't win, aren't you? But I can. Now I just order Shiraz and circumvent the issue entirely.

I wonder when the statute of limitations is up and it's safe to order pinot noir and merlot again?